I am in a new place.
I have been practicing all the little things that remind me that it is Our life (the Holy Spirit and my life). The other day I realized that I am no longer aware of “us” when I am focused on any given task. Just like when a person is not aware of himself when he is doing a task. I am also a little board when I dwell on it or pray about it. I do notice that sometimes during my/our interaction with people, I am aware of the choice to do the wrong thing such as fib, exaggerate or lie. Later when I reflect, I am happy that because of the help from God, we did better than I would have done on my own. I think the training wheels are off and I am getting used to sharing my life with God. This scares me a little because I don’t want to fall back into the bad habit of trying to run my own life. This healthy fear has caused me to catch myself when I refer to an aspect of my life as “mine” and not “ours”. I am also continuing my request of God help me let go of all things and trust Him in us. I am also (with His help) discovering things that I have not shared with Him and giving them to Him to run, such as organization of my desk.
So when is it “I” and when is it “God” and when is “we” acting?
I know it is me when I am tempted to sin and when I sin instead of saying a quick prayer. I know it is me when I ask for help, with the note that the Holy Spirit is motivating me to ask. I know it is me when I am insecure, nervous or just not carrying my crosses with a good attitude.
I know it is God when I feel His warmth in prayer, in church or in people. I know it is God when I know someone needs me to call them or that they are about to call me. I know it is God when I don’t understand something and realize that I don’t have to.
Every other situation is “we” or my choice to act alone or with Him.
On an even more personal note, I have never been so at peace with my relationship with God, aware to be vigilant in keeping and growing the relationship, free of myself, scared about new health problems…and working on trusting Him more about those health problems, sad because I miss my mother, happy because I/we love people better and pondering what will happen next all at the same time.
Please pray for me. I will have a medical exam this Monday to assess some of my new found health problems.