One the things I have learned in the past 3 months is that I expected it to much from too many people and would get excited about an upcoming event. This caused an emotional roller coaster, and bad feelings toward people. I caused my own pain anticipating the best outcome and not preparing for the worst. If you've read my past post, you know that God has slowly been taking control of my life, and now because of my prayers for Him to take over my whole personality, He is teaching me hard lessons about expecting what I want to happen and not accepting His will.
The realization that I have control over nothing, is leaving a void in my life. I now seem to have no control over anything that goes on, or, I am realizing that I have never had any control over my life. He is changing my personality. I no longer expect anything to happen as I have planned or visualized it to happen. This is causing me great peace, and also a little apprehension. This apprehension is just my lack of trust in God. I think the big lesson for me is that I have to be indifferent to future events and not depend on anybody doing anything the way I envision.
I have also been hiking in the deep woods of the Northwest in the last two or three months. Being immersed in the forest and not knowing what you're going to see next, is very similar to the way my life is going right now with one exception, in the forest you are reasonably sure of what the immediate future events are, so there is some idea of what to expect. With my will emerged with God's and totally trusting in him, I can only ponder at what will happen in the future, immediate or long-range. This frees me from my own head trips and at the same time, creates that awkward space, that comes from losing a little part of myself in order to allow God to control more of my life. It is a little scary and at the same time very comforting because it is God. The Holy Spirit is also pushing me to let go of my past.
I must live in the present, expecting nothing that I have planned to happen and trust God for everything. Another new Paul, or should I say Small. The journey continues.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
This last week I prayed to go to the next level. What I received was a revelation of one of my most historical and irritating personality faults. I am pushy and in that, impatient. If you know me you are laughing right now. This morning the remedy came to me. THANK YOU GOD! I am to read, dwell,and meditate and live St. Paul's definition of love, live indifference out of love for others, and be an oasis for others. When I formed the sheet below to practice and train myself, the continuing lesson of TRUST IN GOD hit me very hard.
Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
Indifference out of LOVE for others is a lack of interest or concern for MY wants.
Oasis is something serving as a refuse, relief, or pleasant change from what is usual, annoying or difficult.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
At the end of this morning’s classroom of silence (with God), I observed part of what I had just done. It seems part of God’s direction in our (God and my) life, is a unique formula for setting up the next day.
I noticed that I review my previous day and night. I relive every act and every emotion, analyzing my motivation and the effect on others and on myself. I ask myself and God how I could have done better and why my desire to do an act is the way that it is. I look for ways to correct myself and do things different the next time that I am in a similar situation. I (with the help of the Holy Spirit) see the errors and look for what I was trying to achieve. Most sinful acts are an attempt to get a legitimate result by an illegitimate way. The lie is somewhere in a person’s subconscious that legitimizes the wrong path. This review is what athletes do when they watch the game film of their previous match. The Holy Spirit is a great coach!
Then I begin to fantasize about how it feels to be freer of myself and my sinful habits and about trusting God all the time. I fantasize about “our” (God and my life…past posts) life with God in more control. I fantasize about a real obtainable, legitimate result. In my past I used to fantasize using a lie and gaining an illegitimate result, such as picking up a woman and having sex as opposed to giving every woman respect and dignity all the time. Another more resent example would be my fantasy of never getting angry about another driver as opposed to the fantasy of having bad drivers get pulled over and ticketed by the police (revenge for them “causing” me to get mad). Athletes fantasize about winning the biggest game in their sport.
I also visualize the upcoming day. In this visualization, I see myself praying when temptation is at hand. I feel the Holy Spirit in control of our (the Holy Spirit and my) life and leading us. I visualize not worrying because of my trust in “us”. I visualize bringing God’s love to everyone I encounter. Athletes do this before every game.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
I am in a new place.
I have been practicing all the little things that remind me that it is Our life (the Holy Spirit and my life). The other day I realized that I am no longer aware of “us” when I am focused on any given task. Just like when a person is not aware of himself when he is doing a task. I am also a little board when I dwell on it or pray about it. I do notice that sometimes during my/our interaction with people, I am aware of the choice to do the wrong thing such as fib, exaggerate or lie. Later when I reflect, I am happy that because of the help from God, we did better than I would have done on my own. I think the training wheels are off and I am getting used to sharing my life with God. This scares me a little because I don’t want to fall back into the bad habit of trying to run my own life. This healthy fear has caused me to catch myself when I refer to an aspect of my life as “mine” and not “ours”. I am also continuing my request of God help me let go of all things and trust Him in us. I am also (with His help) discovering things that I have not shared with Him and giving them to Him to run, such as organization of my desk.
So when is it “I” and when is it “God” and when is “we” acting?
I know it is me when I am tempted to sin and when I sin instead of saying a quick prayer. I know it is me when I ask for help, with the note that the Holy Spirit is motivating me to ask. I know it is me when I am insecure, nervous or just not carrying my crosses with a good attitude.
I know it is God when I feel His warmth in prayer, in church or in people. I know it is God when I know someone needs me to call them or that they are about to call me. I know it is God when I don’t understand something and realize that I don’t have to.
Every other situation is “we” or my choice to act alone or with Him.
On an even more personal note, I have never been so at peace with my relationship with God, aware to be vigilant in keeping and growing the relationship, free of myself, scared about new health problems…and working on trusting Him more about those health problems, sad because I miss my mother, happy because I/we love people better and pondering what will happen next all at the same time.
Please pray for me. I will have a medical exam this Monday to assess some of my new found health problems.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Thank you all for your prayers last week.
I have been trying to put into words the new way of thinking, feeling, and looking at the world and the people in it caused by the incorporation of God within me and my surrendering of my will that has formed “Our” life.
As far as thinking is concerned, I am practicing all the reminders that I have revealed in previous posts and I noticed that I pray before I do anything. I am constantly reminding myself of “our” life and who is in charge. This lets the Holy Spirit guide every action and reminds me of how dependent I am on the largest part of my life’s partner. I really want Him to have 99.999% control of the partnership because I would not sin ever again. I have a long way to go.
We (God and me in “our” life…for the first time readers) do look at the world differently. We see and feel it as God's creation. I feel the world with more respect and I science the same God that lives in me as a part of everything in the world. It sounds weird and feels funny just writing about it. God and His ways are mysterious.
As far as the people, I have noticed that “our” way of thinking about them gives them more respect, dignity and love than I could have ever dreamed of doing by myself. Words fail to express the tiny insight into God’s love for each one of us that I am receiving. I did stumble at trying to label people. I can’t call my friend brother because he is God’s child and creature. God and I form “our” life. I can’t call him our child because he is God’s child not mine. Do you see how funny divine correctness is? I have to have a word that easily reminds me of OUR life when referring to people. I am pretty sure a few angles are laughing. The Holy Spirit did answer me and we are referring to everyone and anyone as "loved ones". The love God has for every human and the love I have for them (a gift from God) is the strongest common denominator in the unity forming “our” life.
My quest for divinely correct terminology has also caused me to ponder what to call “us” or “we” (God and I in “our” life). The other day in prayer, the Holy Spirit gave me the answer. I got euphoric about my (our) blog name. “SMALL” Every time I refer to myself as Small instead of Paul I become aware of how big, great and ..words fail me again, God is and how little I am in this partnership. Thinking of myself as Small also reminds me of my dependence on God and to respect and love His other children (our loved ones). It reminds me to trust Him completely ……I could go on and on…!
I hope this post helps you on your journey.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Saturday, October 19, 2013
As I practice living my life with God as my partner in everything, so … I am really practicing living “our” life, I find that I need refreshers during the day to help me. Here are a few of them.
I say an “Our Father” every morning with this thought process: Our (Jesus and my) father. Thy kingdom come (the Holy Spirit live in me), Thy will be done (through the Holy Spirit and me with Him in control), Give us (me from the Holy spirit within me), this day our daily bread (lesson or insight to me from the Holy Spirit for “our” life), forgive us our trespasses and the rest of the prayer implies the Holy Spirit in my life and others.
I touch my heart before getting out of the truck to remind myself that the one I love most is the largest part of “our” life and “we” are going to interact with “our” loved ones (any and all people). Further, a sales appointment is our appointment for the benefit of the people “we” meet.
I look at people’s feet to remember who “we” serve and I ask the Holy Spirit to let me feel how He loves them and guide “us” to what they need.
In prayer, I visualize the day ahead with God doing the heavy lifting. This reminds me that I can do nothing alone. I also visualize any potential sinful situation and with Him in control and “us” doing it His way.
At night I remember the sinful things I did and visualize “us” doing it the right way, His way.
In the morning I ask the Holy Spirit, with the prayers of the Communion of Saints and our beloved Mother, for constant reminders of who “we” are.
I know and trust that God has my best interest and will not fail me when I am doing my best to give Him my will and live “us” with “our” life.