I think sometimes God postpones this blog when he is teaching me something. With the passing of my mother and the recent closing of all estate matters, I have had to let go of a lot of my past. I have also had to get used to a different financial situation. Both of these positive changes have shaken me emotionally.
Over the last two weeks I have been very busy with moving and fixing up my new house. I have also noticed and thought about some self destructive behaviors. I have been praying about why I feel the need to sabotage myself. Keep in mind that none of this has affected me in a diverse enough way as to cause big trouble. It is more noticing some tendencies and recalling some of my own self healing methods that have brought me this far out of dysfunctionality.
On one side, I have seen how some wealthy people live. They have lavish houses, fancy cars, jewelry, and seem very happy. To be debt free and rich would be wonderful. In my childhood I would often think of these people as selfish because they did not give their riches to the poor. That is why I used to sabotage my careers in the past. The reason I have not sabotage might current career is because I never approached the level of being debt-free, so the fear of becoming one of these people never occurred to me. I have never liked praise, accolades and the admiration of others.
On the other side, I hate being poor. I hate struggling to survive. Playing in all of this is my childhood dream of philanthropy.
I am about to be debt free, with a wonderful career, three to four groups of friends that care about me, a wonderful job, a nice house, and still feeling the Holy Spirit within me. All is good and I can start building wealth for my dream of philanthropy. I am about to become someone I’ve never been.
I have never been truly happy. I have had, and I’m still dealing with, feelings that I don’t deserve this. I also don’t want to become one of those wealthy people that I have known in the past. I have always been willing to accept God’s will if it is negative about me, I am now having to accept His will when it is positive about me. I can see the day when I give a lot of money to different charities.
To resolve this conflict, I have had to realize who I am by the grace of God. God has changed my health habits, my sinful habits (at least the big ones), and the way I treat people. This morning it all came to a realization in prayer. I can never be one of those wealthy people that I associated with in my past. I (we, Oasis- God and I as one unit) simply don’t have those bad traits.
It comes down to me giving myself permission to be happy and wealthy without being selfish. I am letting go of my childhood impressions of whole groups of people. When pondering this, it occurred to me that I have never given myself permission to have a good golf game. I have had great scores when I play alone, but my fear of being in the spotlight has prevented me from playing a good game with others. I have to give myself permission to do well at everything I do and to realize that it is the God within me that is actually getting the praise.
Even deeper is the fact that it is hard for me to accept the love of other people. To love and be loved; isn’t that what we were made for? For me to be loved means becoming one of those self absorbed people that I despise so much. Again, I have to let go of my past impressions and embrace the impressions that I have about all the good people that are loved. I know a lot of people that are loved because of their unselfishness. This will change the way I deal with almost every person.
I don’t like the phrase “filthy rich”. I have a new phrase “Mary rich”. I will be wealthy and give like Mary would give (with her direction I pray). I will also be Mary rich by bringing Christ to others.
This transition is tough for me, and I never thought the depth of my love for God would ever reach this level. I can fulfill my dreams of giving and giving and giving. Your comments are welcome.