Saturday, September 27, 2014

Who Am I?

Thank you for all your prayers. The unusually intense attacks are over. I am also in a place that I have never been before. Before these attacks I was getting closer to God than I have ever been. I’m a very different person today, although most people around me may not even notice.

I have been praying for God to totally possess me. If you have read some of my past posts, you know that part of that process was for me to allow myself to be happy and accept the good things that were happening to me. Another big component was the total trust in God that I have long sought for.

Just before these attacks, a lot of these changes in me were close to completion. Then with a very large amount of help from God, I eliminated three sinful habits. This opened the door of my heart to receive God even more. I cannot even begin to describe how much I love God right now.

I do not know what’s going to happen next with anyone or anything in my life. I do not even know what my next actions may be, because I just don’t plan that much anymore. Yes, I still have the ‘to do’ list and my desk is full of work related things to do. I also have a sense, or reality, that God is in complete control and I trust Him.

I am in great pain and joy at the same time. It is a funny thing, that even when you lose unhealthy parts of yourself it is painful. I do not know who I am anymore. I cry out of joy from my love of God, my “YES” to God, and my loss of identity. The total trust I have for Him is what keeps me going. One morning in prayer, I asked Christ: “Who am I?” It came to me, that I do not know because God lives in me now and I am incapable of knowing God. It is true that I know enough about God to participate in His love for others. I just don’t know how, when, and all of the other questions that go with trying to understand something that is so much greater, so much more loving,…

I am also scared. I get the impression, from prayer, that I have to rediscover myself. In any and all events, people, work related tasks, friends, and anything else in my life; if God’s will (Providence) is done I win. My will, my total fulfillment, my cause and my full potential are God’s will. It is that total trust and surrender to Him that makes me aware of the Holy Spirit burning inside me.

So I just have to get used to this. It is hard for me to describe all the different emotions that I’m going through. Nobody ever said this was going to be easy. I do not know what’s going to happen next. I do know that it will be another expression of God’s love.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Spiritual Warfare Prayers

This is what I have used in past battles and it is working again. I have a little booklet. This is the online version. Please pray for me.

The Catholic Warrior

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Spiritual Battle

As most of you know by now, I’m a deep thinker. If you read my last post, you know that I am feeling very joyful. This past week I have been under Spiritual attack.

The devil does not like anyone to trust in God enough to move towards Him. This past week all my weaknesses about everything in my life surfaced. The devil knows your weaknesses and he will take advantage of them. At the time I wrote my last post I had complete trust in God’s agenda about everything in my life. This past week I have lost sleep, lost appetite, worried about everything and everyone in my life, and endured temptations of all sorts.

Why does God allow this? He allows it to see how we handle it. Many times in my spiritual growth and in my life, when bad things happen, I would resort to sin. This time was different. Three or four nights last week I could not sleep. I over thought, was tempted, and visualized worst-case scenarios in my in my work, with my friends, and with everything else in my life. I also got on my knees and prayed, hugged my pillow and prayed, visualized Christ in my heart, and visualized me in His heart. I did not submit to the temptations.

If you choose God in times like these, you get the lessons next. I prayed for God's perspective. He delivered. My behavior will be modified based on these new insights. When God teaches it is humbling. God is so beyond our perception, that I am overjoyed at being humbled.

My agenda for people, for my work, for my friends, for everything is back to being God’s will. I am not smart enough to know God’s will, so I do not know what is going to happen with anyone or anything (such as my job, the number of sales I get or lose) in my life. I don’t even know what’s going to happen in the next hour. Keep in mind that I am the guy with the “to do list.”

Last week it also occurred to me, that there have been many instances where people have come to me, for advice or other forms of help and I did not have a clue as to what God wanted me to do for them. I just let God take over. A lot of these times were before I came back to the Church. It was as if God was showing me that He was working in me all of this time. I was aware of some of it because of one of my past occupations that remains a hobby to this day. He showed me how much He has helped others through me.

So now I’m in a place where my only desire for myself and everyone else is God’s will.

I wrote this in the morning. I have been fighting the devil all day. When I was in adoration and Mass this evening, I was at peace. I must be doing something really good to have this much attention. My love for God is increasing and I am offering this up as a prayer for the conversion of souls.

Saturday, September 13, 2014


This morning in prayer I was reflecting back on last week’s events in my life. I recounted the people in the interactions. I recounted my behavior and how God’s takeover of my behavior played out. I was left with three strong feelings, disgust, awe of God and the hunger for more God.

My feelings of disgust was (and is) caused by those times where I sinned. It wasn’t a lot of times because God is, at my request, taking over all my behavior. When I sinned, I am not fulfilling my true potential. Even more painful is that I was not fulfilling Providence, which is the same thing. It is painful because I am betraying my cause, God’s will,and God Himself.

My feelings of awe of God are caused by the wonderful people and what He is doing through me for them, what I am learning from them, the beauty I see in them and the total trust I have for God with all events in my life.

A few more people have specifically come into my life asking questions and seeking healing and variety of ways. The Holy Spirit’s within me is helping these people on so many different levels that I am dumbfounded. I am absolutely overjoyed. I am zoning in God’s will, as an athlete zones when everything comes together and the result is greater than he can imagine.

God is also allowing me to learn from all of these new people, and others, many different things, including some of my own misconceptions. I believe this is because God is helping me love people for who they are, not who I want them to be. When you love someone, it is easy to try to push change on them because you think that change is for their benefit. God does not work that way. It’s the free will thing. He lays out His proposition and offers it as a better way for all of us. It is an offer only. We have to say yes. Loving people for who they are has pushed aside my arrogant ambitions for them and let me see all kinds of beautiful things in them. This is causing me joy beyond words.

All of this is reaffirming my quest and my request to God, to change me and caused me to trust Him more. I am absolutely hungry for more interaction with the people that are new in my life to ask more of me and for God to send other people into my life. God’s and my love wait for them. I share, to a small, small degree, the pain and hope that God must have as He waits for any and all of us to ask Him for something.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Do Providence

True happiness and joy, how does one achieve it? This morning I woke up happy on many different levels. I had to ponder why or how this is. I realized it had been brewing for a long time. With my coffee, I sat in my prayer chair, staring at the divine mercy picture of Christ on my wall, and reflected. I realized that in the past week I have been very aware of my participation in God’s will, (Providence). He pointed out some faults, and with the help of the Holy Spirit, they were corrected. We (God and me) helped many people in various ways, prayed well, did chores, did my job and everything else life entails.

I realized that through it all I never got very worried or upset, or overjoyed, or super excited or any extreme emotion. I did feel all of the emotions and I was comfortable with them. Why?

Because I am gluten intolerant and my normal parish does not have the blood of Christ at the early mass, I went to a different parish last Sunday. In the sermon, the priest told the story of how he wanted to become rich so he could give to the poor and still have a comfortable life. He had worked it all out with God and it failed. It failed because he had given his will to God and God had other plans. That same plan has been mine since I was a little kid.

 I remembered thinking of an episode of Star Trek where the engineer was breathing in a gas, as a test, that should have put him to sleep. It did not work. The gas grenade had to work because of its simplicity in design. Nothing could go wrong. It failed. Mr. Spock points out the logical conclusion. “A radical alteration of our thought process must occur.” (I hope I got that quote right). What we perceive as real may not be real at all. Later in the show, after they had altered their thought process, other characters shot them at point-blank range. Because they understood the reality of the fact that the bullets were not real, they did not die.

This past week I let go of all my future plans, dreams, hopes, wants, fears and everything else I can think of. I stopped worrying about anything and everything. I just let God have control of everything. In my morning prayers I simply asked to feel Him all of the time, to feel “Us” all of the time. I asked to do Providence. I had made the radical alteration in my thought process. I simply don’t care what God’s will is. I just want to participate in it. The big little prayer, “change me”, took on a whole new meaning. Part of Providence is God changing me. Thy kingdom come, according to Pope Benedict (Jesus of Nazareth) is Christ living in you and doing the Father’s will in real time and all of the time. What in my life should I be stressed about?

I remember that same priest, on another occasion, or was it on EWTN?, say that the only thing you can do about most of the situations in the world today, is get on your knees.

So I realize, and incorporate into the fabric of my being, that God runs everything in my life. I give Him credit for anything good that happens or anything good that He does through me and for His presence in other people. I accept all of the downturns in life, and if I suffer, offer it up and unite it with Him. I also love all of the corrections He gives me, including, the swift and hard kick my ass.

Without fear or insecurity, I fully accept and embrace the newest version of myself. I trust and love God as never before. The icing on the cake is that He is not finished with me.

My future plans are unknown to me. He will let me know when He wants to. This is such a great feeling, that I am crying right now.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Pride in Everyday Life.

Recently I’ve seen pride manifested in many different ways. I know of a friend of mine that runs a company. He is happy with the way it runs and is considering expansion. In order to expand the company he will have to invest some money. In order to raise the money needed for the investment, the staff was told to find ways to streamline operations. After researching, they came to the conclusion that my friend needed an operations manager to oversee the different roles within the company. This means that my friend has too many different tasks and therefore is not doing his job effectively. These staff members have approached me because they know my friend will be insulted if they suggest these changes. The stumbling block is that my friend will have to take direction from someone else regarding the company that he created. For the good of the company my friend has to realize that he cannot run it on his own. I am working on the approach that these staff members will need in order to show my friend the benefit gained from admitting that he cannot do it all.

I have recently observed someone else that has a bad family situation and will not admit that she is part of the problem. I have told her many times that she needs to listen to the other members of the family and correct her own behavior in certain areas. She responded to my first couple of efforts by giving me a rationale why her behavior was correct. He also suggested to me that I could be a better person by doing things her way. When I confronted her with the peaceful situation I live in, as opposed to own, she stopped talking to me.

Yesterday a woman called me and told me that she thinks she made a mistake with the company that put her new roof on. She told me that she called many different companies and asked them to come out and inspect her roof so that she would feel good about paying the company that had just finished putting it on. She told me that no one would come out because there was nothing in it for them. I will see her on Monday and give her an honest evaluation. I told her she could pay me with a hug.

I drive between 25 and 150 miles per day. I see people talking and texting on their cell phones, eating, reading, and many other things besides driving. They must think that these activities are more important than the rest of us sharing the roadway. They are also distracted from their goal of getting to their destination.

My cause and my goal is Christ. My love for Christ and my love for his people (the Holy Spirit) is my motivation. I see Christ and people as more important than me. I get joy from expressing my love. This means that for the good of the cause, it must look at any mistakes and corrections that I need to take with my own life to fulfill the cause. It also means that I must look out for things that will distract me. I have made many changes in the way I do my job so that the owners of the company, and my own paycheck will be better. I had to admit that someone else’s suggestion was smarter than the way I was doing things. When I drive I do not do anything else but drive my cause is my destination. It is this same thing with my everyday behavior. My cause is Christ and the love of others. Nothing will stand in the way of this, not even myself. Knowing that my cause lives in me creates a trust that stops me from worrying. The fact that my cause is so much greater than myself and that all the people in this world are dignified, loved, and respected by Christ keeps the reality of all of our dependence on God fresh in my mind. I get madder when I make a mistake then when others do because of the adverse effect it will have on others.